*hangs head in shame*

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I made Shirokko up very soon after I first came to DA.My very first char,and the only other char,was Jessi.Like Shirokko,Jessi is,was,and always will be me.Jessi is a calico wolf.After coming to America,I decided that,while Jessi was made for Italy and Florence and the arts being fierce,I was going to change.And America does change immigrants,like the tide changes the marked surface of a beach.It wipes off all the old marks and characteristics and makes up its own creation.America tries to make everyone American,and that's the only way I know how to put it.But some immigrants don't want to change,don't want to become American.I am one.I want to stay Italian,and I won't allow America to change me.I know that now,but when I first came here,I didn't.I thought that if I didn't at least try to fit,Americans would mark me down and i'd never ammount to anything.Of course,I suppose this fear of amounting to nothing could be blamed on my father,who has told me I was nothing since I was born.So I decided I would have to change myself.I made up Shirokko and locked Jessi away in a cage.I didn't let him out.With Jessi,I locked up my intelligence and my voice and my opinions and my queer white-blue eyes.Shirokko was born.I spent a year in America as Ferine,that kid who stays out of the crowds and won't talk to anyone.I an honestly say that I could have counted the number of sentences I said in that entire year on two hands.Other than that,if I was obligated to answer,I did so with a yes,a no,a nod,or a shake of the head.I didn't want to speak to them,these strangers.My teachers thought I was dull and didn't press me for much.I couldn't understand most of what anyone said to me because I barely spoke any English.I avoided doing homework and flunked most class.If I could,I skipped school all together and lurked around in the bars and alleys of NY.Anything to keep from going home,because home was always worse.By the time second semester started,I was that kid who sits alone and draws all the time.I wouldn't let them see what I was drawing,and I wouldn't let them close.One guy was obsessed with me,followed me everywhere(giving me respectable space of course)and always seemed to find me outside of school.He was Italian too,but American-born.He was also gay,and oddly fascinated with whatever it was I seemed to be drawing.His name was Fenrir.People picked on Fen because he was gay,and he was gullible enough to let them.During summer vacation,I found myself without the excuse of going to school to get me away from my father,so I needed a new escape.I found my escape downtown NYC,in what used to be a large building made specifically for local art galleries to hold auctions or for schools to hold plays and stuff.A sign in its wondow advertised that an art teacher was needed,with only an interview required.I slipped inside and found myself face to face with an older couple who owned the building,but found it no longer wanted.They were skeptical of me,as my vocabulary was limited.But they looked at my sketchbook,and hired me on the spot.During that summer,I became acquainted with several beginning artists.I was in my element,so I was comfortable and what passes as friendly for me.I became good friends with Fen,as well as two other gay males,Nihaler and Shuichi,both immigrants like me.When school started again,I was determined to prove my dad wrong.I wanted to be me.I began practicing English and taking notice of my school's activities.Becoming the top student in my classes got my teachers' attention fast enough.I also attracted the attention of one Chase Jobs,who began stalking me with extreme vigor.Now,three years later,I'm engaged to mister Chase,and have a circle of close friends.I protect these friends,and consider them almost more like children than friends.Fenrir,Shuichi,Nihaler,and Nathaniel.But something happened to me when I started getting better.I changed.I've been dealing with this court thing with my Dad,with my own stupid prblems,and various other things.I'm also having trouble with my relationship with God.But still,through it all i've kept a close watch on my friends,because they need me,corny as it sounds.They're from troubled homes and have their own problems.I helped them to fix most of these problems.But what if one of them turned traitor?Do I blame him for betraying,or do I blame myself for not seeing he was in trouble?Nate,once a terrible drug addict,has once again fallen to his habit.He got high and beat Fen badly,and I had to drag him off my little friend.Then,the next morning,I had to fight him again,he two of us rolling across the lawn like animals.He's in rheab now,but I should have noticed his downward spiral.Shirokko may be healing from old wounds,but the old Ferine would have noticed her friends' problems before her own.People say i've changed for the better,but I don't think so.I think that for every change I make,I lose more of who I used to be.And I liked that other person.

I've got nothing more to say.